We’re closing in on spooky season, aren’t we? The scariest part of the year. Terrifying encounters. Jump scares. The urge to run away and hide, coupled with the knowledge that there is no escape.
That’s right: Autumn parents’ evening.
OooooOOOOoooooh. 👻
Not my favourite, I have to say. Aside from meeting certain parents and thinking, Ah, now that child makes sense, I’m never convinced we get the best out of it this early.
Give me a full term. Let’s meet after Christmas, when I properly know their abilities, their personalities, their likes, their dislikes, what they can do, what they can’t do and, most importantly, what they absolutely won’t do.
With some children, you know all of that by lunchtime on day one. But with more than 30 children, especially the quieter ones, I’d quite like to be unwaveringly confident that I know what I’m talking about. Otherwise, I’m just sitting there going, ‘Yep! Oh yeah, all good. I wish I had 30 of them HAHA’
So yes, it always comes a little too soon for me. The bonus is that parents’ evening means I’m morally obliged to buy myself a takeaway afterwards. Either that, or park up with some chicken nuggets and decompress while staring blankly at a wall.
Self-care.
Onward!
THE SCHOOL REPORT
Satirical education news that has probably actually happened.
School’s ‘quick assembly’ enters its second lesson
A PRIMARY school’s “quick assembly” has entered its second lesson after the headteacher remembered several other things while talking.
Pupils were called into the hall at 9.10am for “a couple of certificates”. By 10.15am, staff had silently written off reading and were beginning to accept what had happened to maths.
Year 3 teacher Helen Morris said: “Initially, I thought we could just move everything back ten minutes. Then we got to the multi-skills event certificates. The whole school had attended. It was compulsory!
“The head said ‘finally’ at 9.35 and again at 9.48. We all know it doesn’t mean anything anymore, but you can’t help feeling hope.”
A possible ending was reported when the head closed her laptop. However, she then asked whether anyone had something they would like to share about the story they’d just heard.
A Reception pupil is currently explaining how his grandmother knows someone with a tortoise.
Repeated requests for children to sit still have added a further twelve minutes, including a short talk about how much learning time they are wasting.
Morris added: “We thought we were definitely going when the song finished, but then she asked if we could sing it properly this time.”
The assembly is expected to finish shortly, subject to everyone leaving quietly enough not to be called back.
Staff have been reminded that they remain responsible for ensuring all planned lessons are delivered.
FAMOUS FICTIONAL SAFEGUARDING ERROR OF THE WEEK
Case 008: The Blueberry Incident
Setting: Wonka’s chocolate factory, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Safeguarding concern: A child accesses an unsafe experimental food product and undergoes a serious physical transformation.
Incident details: Violet Beauregarde tries Wonka’s experimental chewing gum despite his warning that it is not ready. She turns blue and inflates into a giant blueberry.
Wonka instructs his staff to roll her to the juicing room and squeeze her.
The first-aid provision is unconventional.
Safeguarding verdict: Not met. The factory has been reminded that ticking “no known allergies” does not constitute parental consent for a child to become fruit.
TEACHER CONFESSIONAL
Anonymous admissions, lightly judged.
Last week, I asked for your least favourite CPD clichés. Here’s what makes you think, “Here we go again.”
“Starting the session with sharing something positive from the week. Always welcomed by total silence.”
My positive is that, for a minute, I thought this had been cancelled, but you’d just forgotten to write it on the staff noticeboard.
“The ‘ice breaker’ activity, which now seems to be a required starter for every CPD session. Designed to ‘get you talking’ to people you’ve been talking to all week.”
We argue with each other at every Christmas party. The ice is well and truly broken.
“My least favourite cliché has to be: ‘I know some of you may have seen this before, but bear with me, this may give you a different perspective.’”
If by ‘a different perspective’ you mean I was sitting on the other side of the room when you did this last year, then yes.
“‘I’ll give you a few minutes to have a chat on your table…’ You either smile nervously at the strangers around your table or start offloading and comparing notes with the person next to you. Actually, I think we should get more days like these, which are essentially teacher therapy, where you realise everyone is more or less in the same boat.”
A useful reminder that there are other schools you wouldn’t want to work at either.
THIS WEEK IN EDUCATION
Education news that actually did happen.
Ofsted faces calls for leadership change over inspection concerns
OFSTED is facing calls for a change of leadership after an evaluation it commissioned found that 88 per cent of surveyed schools reported a negative impact on staff wellbeing.
Half said the inspection workload was unmanageable.
Chief inspector Martyn Oliver said the findings showed Ofsted was “on the right track”.
Something your dad says on a road trip as the road gets narrower, the tarmac disappears and everyone is asked to stop helping.
The NEU has called for Oliver to stand down, following a vote of no confidence in Ofsted’s leadership by ASCL’s ruling council.
An awkward position for an organisation whose usual role is asking other people why they didn’t spot the problem sooner.
The evaluation also found positives, including respectful conduct by inspectors. Oliver acknowledged the continuing workload and wellbeing problems and said Ofsted would keep listening.
Well, yes, respect matters. But so does whether you can sleep the night before someone respectfully asks how your geography curriculum builds on prior learning.
Schools need fair scrutiny, obvs, and parents deserve useful information, obvs. But also, the people providing that scrutiny should be able to take some themselves.
Perhaps Ofsted could reflect on the feedback, identify three immediate priorities and provide evidence of improvement by the next monitoring visit.
If that feels like an unreasonable amount of pressure, I’m sure someone can explain that it’s a supportive process.
ACTUALLY USEFUL STUFF
One thing that might make your life slightly easier.
BooksForTopics: Branching Out
For the child who has read every Dog Man book and considers all other literature a personal insult.
BooksForTopics’ free Branching Out lists suggest what to read next based on a book, series or author a child already enjoys. There are recommendations for fans of Tom Gates, Wimpy Kid, Rainbow Magic, Julia Donaldson and plenty more.
Each list comes with a free printable poster, handy for the book corner, school library or parents’ evening handouts.
Particularly useful when someone asks, “What would you recommend they read at home?” and you’re fourteen appointments in, your tea is cold, and the only book your brain can currently retrieve is The Gruffalo.
READER QUESTION
Voluntary participation time:
Staffroom Surgery is accepting new patients.
What school dilemma would you like a questionably qualified second opinion on?
An awkward parents’ evening conversation? A colleague’s baffling habit? Something far too petty to justify how much it’s annoying you?
Just reply to this email. A couple of sentences is plenty, and your dilemma may be treated anonymously in a future issue.
No appointment necessary. No guarantee of improvement.
A QUICK REMINDER FROM SLT
Please read and action.
SUBJECT: Parents’ evening
Morning everyone,
Please ensure every parent feels welcome, listened to and able to raise any concerns.
Each five-minute appointment should cover attainment, progress, behaviour, friendships, wellbeing and next steps, with plenty of time for questions.
Please avoid making parents feel rushed.
At four minutes, the next family will be asked to stand directly behind them.
Please react with a 👍 once read.
SLT
That’s all, folks! Hope you enjoyed this week’s issue!
If you enjoyed it, please forward it to another teacher who could use a laugh.
See you next Thursday! Keep going. You’re on the right track.
Mr Firth