Issue 7: Haven't We Got Enough On?

“Listen, it’s okay. Don’t get upset about things you can’t control,” I tell the children, often mere hours after informing a colleague that I’m going to throw the printer off the school roof because it’s run out of toner.

Oh I forgot to mention last week, and let me know what you think of this, but a few weeks ago I saw an American teacher on Instagram recommending that teachers wear a weighted vest while teaching, to squeeze an extra workout into the day.

A weighted vest. Whilst teaching.

Get out of here. The only vest I’m wearing at school is high-vis, and there had better be a coach waiting outside.

Teaching already is a full-body workout. By 9.15am, you’ve completed a farmer’s carry with 30 exercise books, six table deadlifts, 17 squats to speak to children at eye level and an unplanned shuttle run between the classroom and the photocopier.

Besides, teachers hardly need any additional weight. We’re already carrying planning, assessment, safeguarding, emails, data, a laptop bag that has permanently lowered one shoulder and the emotional wellbeing of 30 small people.

A weighted vest. Per-leeeaaase. Let’s begin!

Satirical education news that has probably actually happened.

A PRIMARY teacher has spent seven and a half hours preparing for somebody else to do her job for one day.

Natalie Price, who is attending a training course on Thursday, has used two evenings to produce a comprehensive guide to being Natalie Price on Thursday.

Price said: “I’ve planned every lesson, made the slides, printed the resources and written down exactly what to say. All that’s left is physically being there.

“The lesson plans are quite short. Most of the document explains where things are and what the children will claim they normally do.”

The cover pack includes a seating plan, pronunciation guide, wet-play arrangements and confirmation that “Miss normally lets us” is not an authorised school policy.

Each activity has an extension task, followed by a second extension task in case the first extension task is completed at a speed nobody has previously demonstrated.

Resources have been arranged in labelled piles, with a separate document explaining the piles. Price has also left her number “just in case”, ensuring she can continue being consulted about the day she has prepared to be absent for.

At 11.43pm on Tuesday, she declared everything ready and began preparing the lessons she would actually be teaching the following morning.

Price said: “I’m exhausted. I could really do with a day off.

“But I haven’t got time to prepare for one.”

Your school problems, answered with advice of questionable usefulness.

Dear Anonymous,

Look, I do sympathise. But if a cat wandered into a staff meeting, I would immediately stop listening too. And I’m a grown man. The children never stood a chance.

You can spend hours carefully planning your provision, thinking about engagement, following the children’s interests. Then a cat turns up, licks its own arse and delivers the highlight of everybody’s week.

I also admire the plank barrier. Unfortunately, I suspect the cat thinks you’ve built it an obstacle course. It’s probably quite impressed with how quickly you’ve responded to its interests.

Your poor classroom assistant, though. You go into education to make a difference and suddenly you’re running across some tarmac with a basin, being watched by 52 delighted spectators.

If you’ve never read The Diary of a Killer Cat by Anne Fine (possibly a little too old for your aged children) then I highly recommend it. A great insight into a cat’s psyche. So, in honour of that, let’s name your tormenter Tuffy.

Actually, don’t name him. That’s how you end up putting him in the prospectus.

Education news that actually did happen.

TEACHER professional development standards are being reviewed by the Chartered College of Teaching, with the aim of improving training and helping schools make better use of their time and money.

The review could finally establish whether “I appreciate you’ve all had a long day” obliges the speaker to do anything about it.

The college cites earlier research showing that 39 per cent of teachers and school leaders felt their professional development had little or no impact on their practice.

They did, however, discover which biscuit their deputy head would be, so the afternoon wasn’t entirely wasted.

The existing standards are ten years old, with replacements planned for June 2027.

Hopefully that gives the person currently saying “I’ll just whizz through these last few slides” enough time to finish.

Good CPD can change what happens in a classroom. Teachers deserve training that gives them something useful to try, time to practise it and support afterwards.

They are already quite accomplished at writing “relationships” on a Post-it note. Many could now do it without the initial five-minute discussion.

The question should be what changes for pupils afterwards. A completed evaluation form confirming that the refreshments were satisfactory only tells us so much.

Naturally, I’m saying all this while developing my own CPD, The Classroom They Remember. Do keep an eye out.

If I start reading every word off the slides, you have my permission to open this email and hold it up.

Read the full story in Schools Week

One thing that might make your life slightly easier.

If you’re tired of being the only person in the room asking for quiet, a small cartoon monster would like to help.

Classroom Zen’s free noise monitor uses your computer’s microphone to respond to the volume in your classroom. While things are quiet, its little character rests peacefully. When it gets too loud, it opens its eyes and asks for quiet.

Put it on the board, allow microphone access and adjust the sensitivity to suit your room. Worth trying during a short stretch of independent reading or writing, when everyone knows you’re aiming for quiet.

Give them a quick demonstration first. Otherwise, the opening activity will inevitably become a very thorough scientific investigation into how to annoy a cartoon monster.

Meet your new classroom noise monitor.

Voluntary participation time:

What’s your least favourite CPD cliché?

An iceberg diagram? Another outing for Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? A motivational video you could now recite from memory? Being asked to write your thoughts on sugar paper, presumably for immediate disposal?

Tell me what makes you think, “Here we go again.”

Just reply to this email. A few words is plenty, and your answer may feature anonymously in a future issue!

Please read and action.

All done! Thank you, as always, for reading!

If you enjoyed it, please forward it to another teacher who could use a laugh.

See you next Thursday! Bring your weighted vest.

Mr Firth