NOW: That’s What I Call Harvest Bangers!
It’s finally here! The definitive collection of primary-school autumn anthems.
WITH HITS SUCH AS:
Cauliflowers Fluffy!
Big Red Combine Harvester!
Harvest Samba!
Autumn Days!
All the classics. All the vegetables. Absolutely no agreed starting note.
Available now on CD, cassette and the shared drive under RESOURCES > WHOLE SCHOOL > ASSEMBLIES > MUSIC > MISC > CELEBRATIONS > HARVEST > 2026 > FINAL > FINAL FINAL > EMERGENCY BACKING TRACK WITH VOCALS > USE THIS ONE
So, how are you getting on with them? Still enjoying the classics, or has Big Red Combine Harvester started playing faintly in your head whenever the room goes quiet?
If Clarkson’s Farm is anything to go by, we should probably be doing some sort of Neolithic weather dance just to make sure there is a harvest, let alone singing about fluffy cauliflowers.
Enjoy it while you can, though. The final tin of beans has barely reached the harvest table and...
Are those sleigh bells I can hear?
Let’s begin.
THE SCHOOL REPORT
Satirical education news that has probably actually happened.
Teacher unable to prove lesson happened after forgetting to photograph it
A PRIMARY teacher has been unable to prove she taught a successful science lesson after spending the entire session teaching it.
Year 3 teacher Rebecca Shaw said pupils had made predictions, tested different materials and could now explain how magnets worked. However, none of this had been individually photographed and stuck in books.
Shaw said: “I was going to take a picture, but someone asked a really good question. I answered it, and then someone else wanted to try something that was actually relevant to what we were learning!
“Before I knew it, we’d done the whole lesson.”
Thirty children have given consistent accounts of the session, including details of what they learned, but their testimony has been described as “anecdotal”.
Science lead Martin Webb said: “We’re not suggesting Rebecca didn’t teach it. We simply can’t say that she did.
“Without a slightly blurred photograph of three children pointing at a tray, it would be irresponsible to speculate.”
Completed worksheets were judged insufficient because they did not demonstrate “active learning”. An offer to let pupils demonstrate their learning was declined because that would also need photographing.
The class has now been asked to recreate the investigation, holding their magnets slightly higher and looking as though they are discovering something for the first time.
Thursday’s lesson has been cancelled to allow time to prove Tuesday’s happened.
FAMOUS FICTIONAL SAFEGUARDING ERROR OF THE WEEK
Case 006: The Celebrity Visitor
School: Rydell High, Grease
Safeguarding concern: An adult visitor makes advances towards a pupil and reportedly attempts to tamper with her drink.
Incident details: Radio DJ Vince Fontaine hosts the school’s televised dance and flirts with pupil Marty Maraschino. Marty later says she caught him trying to put aspirin in her Coke.
The inspector initially mistook the event for a reunion, given that most pupils appeared to be in their thirties and forties.
Safeguarding verdict: Not met. The school has been reminded that “the whole country was watching” is not evidence of appropriate visitor supervision.
TEACHER CONFESSIONAL
Anonymous admissions, lightly judged.
Last week, I asked for the most baffling things your schools have done in the name of staff wellbeing.
Your replies suggest we may need to start by agreeing on what “wellbeing” actually means.
“In aid of our wellbeing, we’ve been granted ‘f*** off Fridays’, where, as usual, all teaching staff can be found in their rooms under a mountain of books.”
Have they tried telling the workload to f*** off as well?
“We were made to sit in silence for an hour and colour in a rainbow to show our feelings. The lavender incense was so strong that a member of staff had to leave because they couldn’t stop coughing.”
“And breathe.” Ideally, somewhere else.
“I once had to watch my deputy headteacher sensually eat a chocolate strawberry while listening to ‘mindful’ music during a compulsory wellbeing staff meeting.”
I’d have preferred a book scrutiny.
THIS WEEK IN EDUCATION
Education news that actually did happen.
Academy bosses face new controls on pay above £174,000
ACADEMY trusts in England must now get government approval before advertising executive jobs paying more than £174,000, under rules that came into force on 1 October.
For teachers, this is the form you fill in when you want six glue sticks. For executives, it’s the form you fill in when £174,000 isn’t quite enough.
Trusts will also need permission to increase executive pay at a faster rate than that of their teachers.
So “we’re all in this together” will now occasionally be checked against payroll.
Higher salaries can still be approved. This is an extra layer of scrutiny, and existing pay packets aren’t automatically being cut.
The Confederation of School Trusts has criticised the policy as “micromanagement”.
A worrying development for a profession in which grown adults can be told they’ve written the date on the wrong side of the board.
To be fair, running a large trust is a demanding job. Getting the right person matters, and paying people properly is a principle teachers are generally quite keen on.
There is, however, something reassuring about a request for financial restraint making it all the way upstairs.
Trusts will have to provide evidence to justify the higher packages. The guidance also warns them not to assume a new boss should receive the same amount as the previous one.
Presumably, before approving the purchase, somebody will ask whether they’ve checked the cupboard.
There might already be a chief executive in there.
READER QUESTION
Voluntary participation time:
Staffroom Surgery is accepting new patients. What school dilemma would you like a questionably qualified second opinion on?
Petty, practical and painfully specific problems welcome. No problem too small. No guarantee the advice will help.
Just reply to this email. A couple of sentences is plenty, and your dilemma may be treated anonymously in a future issue.
A QUICK REMINDER FROM SLT
Please read and action.
SUBJECT: Christmas preparations
Morning everyone,
A reminder that Christmas activities should not begin until December. We are keen to avoid unnecessary excitement and disruption to learning.
Please ensure all six nativity songs are learned by half-term, with speaking parts allocated and costume letters sent out by Friday.
Between rehearsals, please remind pupils that it is far too early to be thinking about Christmas.
Please react with a 👍 once read.
SLT
ACTUALLY USEFUL STUFF
For Harry
This week, I’d like to dedicate this space to Harry.
Harry was in my Year 2 class. He died in September, aged nine, after living with brain cancer.
Year 2 was his first full year at school following treatment, and he absolutely loved being there. I have the happiest memories of the joy he took in simply being at school, learning and being part of our class.
He was a joy to teach. Seeing how much school meant to him helped me fall back in love with teaching, too.
I feel very lucky that I got to be his teacher.
A GoFundMe has been set up to support Harry’s family. If you’re able to contribute, I’d be very grateful. Sharing the page is another way to help.
Thank you.
See you next Thursday.
Mr Firth