He’s at it again! First, Jamie Oliver had the gall to demand that Turkey Twizzlers contain more than 34% turkey, and now he’s making everyone eat lentils and chickpeas. Honestly. Where does it end?
There’s far more to say about the new school food standards than I can squeeze in here. Better, more nutritious food for children is obviously a good thing. So is choice, affordability and serving something they’ll actually eat, rather than study suspiciously before tipping untouched into the food bin.
As with most things, a little balance and common sense probably works best. But hey, what do I know?
What always makes me laugh, though, is teaching an afternoon PSHE lesson on healthy eating. There I’ll be, earnestly explaining the importance of a balanced diet and giving your body the fuel it needs, knowing full well I’ve been running since 7.30am on three cups of tea and a KitKat.
‘Your body needs the right fuel,’ I’d tell them, with the confidence of a man whose body currently contained nothing but caffeine and wafer.
Anyway, teachers already have quite enough on their plates. It’s just rarely lunch.
Shall we begin?
THE SCHOOL REPORT
Satirical education news that has probably actually happened.
School’s entire annual glue-stick supply exhausted by the third week of term
A PRIMARY school has declared a stationery emergency after its annual supply of 240 glue sticks was reduced to three lidless stumps and something purple embedded in the carpet.
The stock, intended to last until July, ran out shortly after Year 3 were asked to stick in a picture of a leaf.
Teacher Daniel Morris said: “One child glued the paper, the page, the table and his sleeve. The picture still fell out.
“Another wound his all the way up, snapped it off and asked for a new one. He hadn’t actually stuck anything yet. That was just him getting ready.”
A search has recovered 46 lids, none of which fit anything currently owned by the school. Several are believed to pre-date the headteacher.
Staff have introduced strict rationing, with pupils required to show that their worksheet is the right way up before being granted access to a glue stick.
Meanwhile, a Year 2 teacher has refused to release six unopened glue sticks from a locked cupboard.
“Those are for emergencies,” she said. “My emergencies.”
Senior leaders have issued an illustrated reminder about the responsible use of school equipment.
Every pupil has been given a copy to cut out and stick in their book.
FAMOUS FICTIONAL SAFEGUARDING ERROR OF THE WEEK
Case 004: The Attendance Home Visit
School: Shermer High School, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Safeguarding concern: A member of staff enters a pupil’s home without permission while investigating an absence.
Incident details: Convinced Ferris is pretending to be ill, Mr Rooney visits the family home to catch him out. He enters without permission and encounters Ferris’s sister, who mistakes him for a burglar, kicks him in the face and calls the police.
The matter has now been escalated, although not through the usual channels.
Safeguarding verdict: Not met. The school has been reminded that responsibility for monitoring attendance does not come with a search warrant.
TEACHER CONFESSIONAL
Anonymous admissions, lightly judged.
Last week, I asked about the ridiculous unwritten rules in your staffrooms. Having read your emails and Instagram replies, I see Sue’s chair was only the beginning.
Names have been removed because some of you still have to eat lunch together.
“Don’t use someone else’s mug… but they don’t have names on them.”
A lovely induction activity. Make a brew and find out who you’ve upset.
“In the staff kitchen, don’t unplug the white lead because that’s the men’s hand dryer.”
Sorry, lads. You can have dry hands when my toast’s done.
“No fish in the microwave.”
Correct. Your lunch should leave when you do.
“When printing a sign about washing dishes, the font size must be at least 48pt, and Comic Sans is mandatory to maximise the underlying fury.”
The same font we use to teach six-year-olds about kindness. Great range.
“We have a sign now about appropriate staffroom behaviour.”
Have they tried praising the staff who are sitting nicely?
THIS WEEK IN EDUCATION
Education news that actually did happen.
NEU welcomes ‘fully funded’ teacher pay rise after pension savings decision
THERE is some good news about school funding. I appreciate that’s an unsettling sentence. Take a moment.
Schools in England will be allowed to keep savings from lower employer pension contributions for support staff, estimated at £500 million nationally. The NEU says this means September’s 3.5% teacher pay rise is now fully funded at a national level.
The pay award itself hasn’t increased. The exciting development is the prospect of having enough money to pay it.
Previously, schools were expected to find part of the cost from existing budgets. Ministers could announce how much they valued teachers, while headteachers worked out which other things they could afford to value slightly less.
Headteachers’ unions have welcomed the change but want to check whether the savings cover the costs for individual schools. A reasonable question, given that being financially comfortable ‘on average’ doesn’t necessarily get your boiler repaired.
Still, this is welcome progress. Teachers should be able to receive a pay rise without feeling they ought to apologise to the person ordering the exercise books.
Perhaps pin the announcement up in the staffroom.
One copy. Black and white.
Let’s not get carried away, eh?
ACTUALLY USEFUL STUFF
One thing that might make your life slightly easier.
Polypad
Polypad is essentially a maths cupboard where all the pieces are still there.
It’s a free online board with movable fraction bars, number cubes, shapes, dice and more. Put it on your classroom board to model an idea while children follow along with their own equipment.
The fraction bars are a good place to start. Line up two quarters underneath a half, then four eighths below those, so children can see that they represent the same amount. Much easier than trying to draw four equal sections freehand and hoping nobody notices.
No account or installation needed. Just open it in your browser and choose the equipment you need.
READER QUESTION
Voluntary participation time:
Staffroom Surgery is accepting new patients. What school dilemma would you like a questionably qualified second opinion on?
Perhaps a colleague keeps “borrowing” your things. Perhaps you did one small favour in 2019 and it’s apparently your job now.
Petty, practical and painfully specific problems are all welcome. Ideally, nothing requiring HR, the DSL or an employment tribunal.
Just reply to this email. A couple of sentences is plenty. Your dilemma may be treated in a future issue, and all patients will remain anonymous.
A QUICK REMINDER FROM SLT
Please read and action.
SUBJECT: Workload reduction
Morning everyone,
To help us reduce workload, please keep a detailed log of every task you complete this week, including time spent, purpose, impact and any follow-up required.
A second tab has been added for recording the time spent completing the first tab.
Please do not include time spent on the second tab, as we are keen to keep this manageable.
Please react with a 👍 once complete.
SLT
And there we have it, another issue in the bag. I hope you’re enjoying your weekly fix!
If you enjoyed it, please forward it to another teacher who could use a laugh.
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See you next Thursday. Eat those lentils.
You’ll sleep tonight.
Mr Firth