Issue 3: The Honeymoon Is Over

How many times have you checked how many weeks it is until October half term? That many? Wow.

Oohhh, those kids are getting the measure of you now, aren’t they?

For primary schools especially, there’s always this little honeymoon period during the first couple of days. I think it’s partly because, initially, the children feel like guests. They’re in your classroom, not their classroom. It doesn’t belong to them... yet.

By the second week, though, it feels a little more like theirs. The confidence comes through, and they start prodding and poking and pushing those boundaries.

Little cherubs.

But hey, belonging is important. We want it to feel like their classroom. Like they belong. Like they have some ownership over it.

But if they could just belong a little more quietly, that would be great, wouldn’t it?

Satirical education news that has probably actually happened.

A PRIMARY teacher’s carefully researched behaviour system has collapsed during week 2, after encountering an eight-year-old who is broadly supportive of it.

Year 4 teacher Lucy Bennett spent six weeks reading books and watching webinars before introducing a system of praise, clear boundaries and consistent consequences. Alfie Harris has described it as “really fun”.

Bennett said: “We discussed why he couldn’t make motorbike noises during maths. He listened carefully, explained how it affected the other children and gave a thoughtful apology. Then he rode back to his table.

“I praised the children sitting sensibly, hoping he’d follow their example. He agreed they were doing brilliantly and gave them a round of applause.”

By Wednesday, Alfie had reached the final stage of the behaviour chart and asked whether there was another level.

He subsequently missed five minutes of lunchtime play, which he described as “a nice sit-down”.

Senior leaders have advised Bennett to build the relationship. Alfie has already invited her to his birthday party and asked if she can sit next to him at Pizza Hut.

The school remains confident that its top reward, lunch with the teacher, will eventually motivate him.

Alfie said: “The other children need twenty stickers to stay in with Miss.

“I just have to do the motorbike noise.”

Your school problems, answered with advice of questionable usefulness.

Dear Anonymous,

Oh yeah, that “we don’t actually have set seats” is a total joking-not-joking thing, isn’t it? But what would a staffroom be without mild, semi-polite passive aggression, eh? A true cornerstone of our culture.

I mean, firstly, you snooze, you lose. Get there earlier, Sue. Bring your own chair, Sue. Not everything belongs to you, Sue. Jeez.

I personally would rotate seats every single day. Sit in a different one every lunchtime. You can’t be controlled. You can’t be contained. Wow, who’s this new member of staff? They don’t play by the rules.

Or just pick a seat of your own and stick to it. By October, a supply teacher will sit there and you’ll hear yourself say, “Oh.”

And then you’ll know you’ve settled in.

Education news that actually did happen.

REFORM UK wants schools to sing the national anthem and traditional hymns regularly, with education spokesperson Suella Braverman warning of “consequences” for schools that fail to comply if the party wins power.

Nothing encourages heartfelt national pride quite like the possibility of a follow-up inspection.

Speaking at the party’s conference, Braverman also pledged that schools would fly the Union flag. Reform would explore enforcement through Ofsted, while parents could report schools that weren’t following the rules.

Which should add a refreshing new dimension to the class WhatsApp. Somewhere between “Is tomorrow PE?” and a photograph of somebody else’s cardigan, a parent will be asking whether Year 4 have been patriotic enough.

Braverman has not specified how often the singing would happen, beyond saying it should be regular.

To be fair, singing together can be a lovely part of school life. It can build a sense of belonging, lift spirits and occasionally persuade a child to take their jumper out of their mouth.

Making it a compliance issue does rather change the atmosphere, though.

I look forward to the first assembly observation in which Year 3 are judged “working towards patriotism.”

Presumably we’ll need evidence, too. Photos of children enjoying themselves, a spreadsheet recording how British they felt afterwards and a folder labelled “King: Impact”.

Read the full story in Schools Week

One thing that might make your life slightly easier.

Once Upon a Picture is a free collection of images with ready-made questions for discussion, inference and creative writing. Particularly handy when “How do you know?” is currently being answered with “I just do.”

Choose a picture, put it on the board and get children talking about what’s happening, how the characters might feel and which details support their ideas. Use it for a quick starter, a busy job, a reading discussion or the beginning of a story.

The Inference Collection is a good place to start, with questions already provided beneath each image.

No account needed, and no printing required! Happy days!

Explore Once Upon a Picture’s Inference Collection here.

Voluntary participation time:

What’s the most ridiculous or petty unwritten rule in your staffroom?

We’ve established that you can sit anywhere, provided it isn’t Sue’s chair. But what else should apparently have been obvious on your first day?

A complicated milk arrangement? A car parking space? Everyone scribbling their initials onto boxes of tea?

Simply reply to this email and tell me! A sentence or two is plenty. Your answer may feature anonymously in a future issue!

Please read and action.

And that’s all for this week!

Thank you so much for reading.

If you enjoyed it, please forward it to another teacher who could use a laugh.

See you next Thursday! One week closer to half term.

Mr Firth