Issue 2: Happy New Year

Ah, there it is. That special feeling that comes once a year. That’s right: six weeks of rest, completely undone by two days of teaching. Hooray!

I hope you’ve all settled back into the swing of things. It’s a whirlwind, isn’t it? It takes a little while to catch up. You’ll sleep tonight! (Silly phrase, by the way. I sleep every night.)

This week, I saw both the inspiring and the intimidating sides of teacher social media, often in the exact same post.

There have been some insane classroom set-ups: voice-activated clouds in one classroom, brand-new furniture in another. State-of-the-art libraries and art galleries in one school, top-tier computer suites in another. Look, more power to them. I’m sure a huge amount of work went into it, and they have every right to be proud.

But if you looked at any of it, then looked around your own classroom with its mismatched chairs, whitewashed breeze-block walls and interactive whiteboard that still needs calibrating, don’t worry.

You are what makes the room.

A fancy classroom might get an ‘oooh’ when the children first walk in. But it won’t make them feel safe in the long run. It won’t make them still feel happy to be there in November, February or July. It won’t convince them their teacher is on their side. That’s all you.

So put down the Amazon wish list. Stop worrying about everybody else’s classroom. Show the children who you are and what makes you a great bloody teacher.

And, arguably, if you can do all that without a 3D papier-mâché animatronic AI talking tree that reads stories and recommends books then, hey, you’re obviously just that little bit more resourceful.

Rant over. Shall we begin?

Satirical education news that has probably actually happened.

A PRIMARY school pupil has been downgraded to ‘bud’ after his former teacher installed 30 new names for September.

Noah Turner, taught by Hannah Cooper every day last year, was greeted in the corridor on Monday with a smile, a wave and no indication she knew who he was.

Cooper said: “Of course I remember him. He writes his a’s backwards, hates yoghurt with bits and needs reminding that falling out with Alfie at break is not forever.

“I know his dog is Archie, his mum collects him on Thursdays and which tooth fell out during the Christmas play. His name, however, was removed to make room for Ava M, who is different from Ava B.”

Experts confirmed that teacher memory has a fixed capacity, with previous pupil names automatically overwritten during the summer holidays.

Educational neuroscientist Dr Helen Brooks said: “It works much like a Pokémon game. A Pokémon can only know four moves at once, so learning a new one means forgetting an old one. Except, in this case, the forgotten move was Noah.”

Names may briefly return if former pupils sit in their old chair, hold up an exercise book or appear alongside a recognisable parent.

Cooper eventually remembered Noah’s name at 1.43am on Tuesday, approximately 17 hours after calling him ‘bud’.

Noah said: “On the last day she cried and told us she’d never forget any of us.

“She also asked if I was enjoying Year 5. I’m in Year 4.”

Anonymous admissions, lightly judged.

Last week, I asked for the most unrealistic promise you’d ever made yourself at the start of a new school year.

It turns out, to no one’s surprise, September is less a fresh start and more an annual exercise in lying to ourselves. Here are some of the responses I received. Names have been removed to protect the wildly optimistic.

Medical appointments remain the only recognised route to teacher work-life balance.

As always, consistency starts with you and ends immediately above you.

Just say “I’ll do it at half-term” a couple of times and get on with your life.

Education news that actually did happen.

SCHOOLS in England are being asked to provide pupils with a new “enrichment entitlement” across five areas, including sport, arts and culture, outdoor adventure, civic engagement and life skills.

They will receive no dedicated funding to deliver it.

Which is an exciting new use of the word entitlement. Traditionally, an entitlement is something you are guaranteed to receive. This version is more like being entitled to a swimming pool, provided somebody at your workplace agrees to dig it during lunch.

The new framework contains eight benchmarks. Schools’ offers should be broad, accessible, engaging, outcomes-focused and continually improving.

So, although schools haven’t been given any money, they have been given several excellent adjectives.

To be fair, enrichment can build confidence, develop skills and give children experiences they might not otherwise have. Access is unequal, particularly for disadvantaged pupils and those with SEND.

Schools already understand this. Nearly all offer some form of enrichment, much of it powered by teacher goodwill. Previous Teacher Tapp research found that more than a third of teachers who run enrichment activities do so outside directed time and without pay.

There is a separate £132.5 million pot for the government’s wider enrichment ambitions, but it will go to external organisations rather than directly to schools.

Ofsted will no longer inspect schools against the benchmarks, which is an important distinction. But they are still another expectation arriving in schools without the time, staffing or direct funding needed to meet it.

Fortunately, teachers are experts at creating something from nothing. Give them an empty cupboard, three cones and a broken tambourine and by Thursday they will have a broad, accessible, outcomes-focused outdoor arts programme.

They just won’t have gone home.

Read the full story in Tes.

One thing that might make your life slightly easier.

Despite the name, SEN Teacher is useful far beyond SEND provision. It is one of those websites somebody should quietly tell you about during teacher training, ideally before you spend an evening manually drawing 24 clock faces in Word.

It has free, customisable generators for flash cards, word searches, bingo games, clocks, coin problems, handwriting sheets, certificates, 3D shape nets and loads more. You can print or download what you make, and you do not need an account unless you want to save it.

It is not flashy. And, in a world dominated by AI tools, it’s still surprisingly useful and easy-to-use!

Have a rummage through SEN Teacher here.

Voluntary participation time:

Staffroom Surgery is accepting new patients. What school dilemma would you like a questionably qualified second opinion on?

Petty, practical and painfully specific questions are all welcome. Ideally, nothing requiring HR, the DSL or an employment tribunal.

Reply to this email and your dilemma may be treated in a future issue. All patients will remain anonymous.

Please read and action.

Right, that’s Issue 2 done.

A genuine thank you, as always, for reading. And thank you to everyone who replied last week. Keep ’em coming.

If you enjoyed it, please forward it to another teacher who could use a laugh.

Missed an issue? Catch up on previous issues.

See you next Thursday. Good luck with the rest of your week!

You’ll sleep tonight.

Mr Firth