’Iya, love. Y’alright? Didya have a nice break? Yeahhhhhhh. It gets dark early now, dun’t it? Oohhhhh, and it’s dropped, hasn’t it? Ooh yeah, I was frozen this morning!
Congratulations. You have now heard the first conversation back after half term in every northern staffroom.
This week, I’ve got [insert dramatic X Factor voiceover] TWO. NEW. FEATURES.
First, a guest segment. Exciting times! (Free promotion for the newsletter basically, provided they share my Instagram Story when I tag them in it.)
The other is The Teacher Horoscope, find out about the teaching week ahead!
So, rather than rabbiting on here, we’re going straight into the horoscope. It won’t always sit at the top of the newsletter, but for its first week, let’s see what the stars and planets have in store for you this week…
THE TEACHER HOROSCOPE
Your astrological teacher predictions.
Jupiter brings an opportunity to take on a new challenge. Avoid eye contact during the staff meeting.
Mercury brings an unresolved matter from your past back into focus. A parent would like to discuss an incident from Reception. Their child is now in Year 6.
An unexpected financial commitment will arise on Friday. Someone called Denise is leaving. You have never met Denise, but you owe her £5.
Lucky number: 29. Copies printed before you realise it’s the answer sheet.
THE SCHOOL REPORT
Satirical education news that has probably actually happened.
Teacher accidentally conducts parents’ evening in Tesco
A PRIMARY teacher’s five-minute trip to Tesco has become an unscheduled parents’ evening after she made eye contact with a pupil’s mother on the dairy aisle.
Year 3 teacher Sarah Wilson was buying milk when she was asked how Oliver was getting on, followed by several questions normally discussed while sitting on very small chairs.
Wilson said: “I said he was a pleasure to teach. That’s usually the bit at the end where they stand up and leave.
“She asked about his times tables, so I started walking. Unfortunately, she had a trolley. We were mobile.”
By the bread aisle, Wilson had discussed reading fluency, friendship difficulties and whether Oliver really had to write out the date every time.
Attempts to conclude the meeting included checking her phone, saying “Anyway” and visibly putting things into her trolley. Oliver’s mother responded by bringing his father in on speakerphone.
Wilson added: “I’ve said he’s lovely three times now. I’m even holding my car keys. I’m not sure what other strategies are available.”
A second parent had meanwhile spotted Wilson and was waiting politely by the yoghurts.
“I can never make the appointments at school,” Oliver’s mother said. “This has been much more convenient.”
Turning to the second parent, she added: “I think she’s running a bit behind.”
FAMOUS FICTIONAL SAFEGUARDING ERROR OF THE WEEK
Case 011: The Planetarium Visit
School: Walkerville Elementary, The Magic School Bus, “Gets Lost in Space” (1994)
Safeguarding concern: Pupils are left to navigate the solar system without adult supervision.
Incident details: Ms Frizzle discovers the planetarium is closed and responds by launching the school bus into space.
During a stop in the asteroid belt, she becomes separated from the class. The children must then pilot the bus through the solar system to find her.
Pupil independence is a strength.
Safeguarding verdict: Not met. The school has been advised to check the planetarium’s opening hours.
A MINOR AMENDMENT
Guest Feature. One small change. Preferably before security notices.
You’ve been invited on a tour of the Department for Education. You lucky thing.
While your guide is distracted, you spot a policy document and a pen. You have time to slip in one small change. Increased teacher pay? Flagged immediately. Two extra weeks of holiday? Someone’s coming to collect your visitor badge.
But a tiny adjustment that makes school life easier? That might just slip through.
That’s the brief I’ve given our guests. They propose the amendment; I decide whether they get away with it.
This week’s guest: Faze | @fazethe1st
All staff working in schools should be entitled to at least one wellbeing day per academic year. This is a day when staff get fully paid, authorised time off on any day during the year.
They need to give at least one week’s notice and ensure all necessary teaching cover is provided, but do not need to provide details of the purpose of this wellbeing day.
Find more from Faze: fazethe1st.com
THE VERDICT: Escorted back to reception.
“Wellbeing day” got straight through. They assumed you meant six compulsory workshops on managing workload. Unfortunately, someone then spotted the bit about paid time off and your visitor badge stopped working.
THIS WEEK IN EDUCATION
Education news that actually did happen.
Minister says gamification ‘isn’t the way to learn’
EARLY years minister Paul Waugh has criticised gamification in education technology, telling MPs it “isn’t the way to learn”.
His department does, however, require Year 4 pupils to answer 25 multiplication questions on a screen, with six seconds for each answer.
Times Tables Rock Stars, discussed at the hearing, even has a mode specifically designed to simulate that check.
So schools are preparing children for the government’s timed computer test using a timed computer activity. The alarming development appears to be that someone has made the practice enjoyable.
Presumably we should remove the guitar and see if that restores public confidence.
Waugh raised concerns about products driving screen time for profit. TTRS says it rewards mathematical progress, recommends short sessions and lets teachers limit daily use.
A feature I would quite like for the staff WhatsApp.
There are sensible questions here about screen time, pressure and whether a resource suits a particular child. Teachers are capable of asking them. Some children enjoy a challenge. Others find a countdown about as relaxing as a fire alarm.
But if the department is worried about pressure around times tables, it does have some influence over the compulsory test at the end of all this practice.
Perhaps ministers could try it themselves.
Twenty-five questions. Six seconds per answer.
And absolutely no answering a different question.
ACTUALLY USEFUL STUFF
One thing that might make your life slightly easier.
Crossword Labs
Your topic vocabulary, turned into a crossword. Without spending PPA fighting a table in Word.
Crossword Labs lets you enter your own answers and clues, then builds the grid for you. Print it out or share a link for children to complete it online.
Try using eight or ten words from your current science or history topic, with definitions as the clues. A handy way to revisit vocabulary and find out whether everyone remembers what “evaporation” actually means.
Creating and printing are free, with no account, adverts or watermarks. Free puzzles are public; privacy settings require a paid membership.
You supply the clues. It makes all the words fit. A sensible division of labour.
READER QUESTION
Voluntary participation time:
What was the first thing you heard after half term that made you think, “Yep. We’re back”?
“Have you checked your emails?” “We need to start thinking about Christmas.”
Bonus points if you hadn’t even taken your coat off.
Just reply to this email and tell me. Your answer might feature in a future issue, anonymously if you prefer!
A QUICK REMINDER FROM SLT
Please read and action.
SUBJECT: Verbal feedback
Morning everyone,
Feedback should be immediate, meaningful and focused on moving learning forward. Verbal feedback is therefore encouraged wherever possible.
For monitoring purposes, please write down what you said in each pupil’s book, along with their response and any improvements made.
Please use green pen so we can distinguish this from written feedback.
Please react with a 👍 once read.
SLT
That’s issue 11 and two new features wrapped up, thank you for reading!
If you enjoyed it, please forward it to another teacher who could use a laugh.
See you next Thursday!
Mr Firth