And how would you like your half term, sir?
Oh, with a side of apocalyptic storms, please.
Very good, sir.
I used to wonder why the wind sent children completely feral. But I genuinely felt overwhelmed just bringing the shopping in the other day, so, maybe there’s something in it.
Also, this is Issue 10! Can you believe it? If you’ve been here from the start, I appreciate you. If you’ve only just joined, hey, thanks! I’ll appreciate you by Issue 20.
Speaking of the next ten issues, there are some exciting things coming, including a guest segment starting next week. You’ll find a little preview further down in this issue.
Anyway, it’s still half term, and you’re probably feeling just about human enough to read this properly.
Shall we begin?
THE SCHOOL REPORT
Satirical education news that has probably actually happened.
Teacher’s school bag enjoys uninterrupted half-term break
A PRIMARY teacher’s school bag has enjoyed almost a week of uninterrupted rest, despite being brought home specifically to prevent this.
Year 3 teacher Rachel Hughes packed 30 maths books on the final Friday, explaining that she would “just do a few each morning”.
The books have since visited a farm shop, the seaside and two sets of grandparents without being disturbed.
Hughes said: “I brought them home because I knew I’d feel guilty leaving them at school. I’m not saying they’ve been marked, but they’ve had some lovely days out.”
On Tuesday, Hughes moved the bag from the boot to the hallway, describing the decision as “a good start”.
By Wednesday, it was beside the sofa, supporting her feet while she watched television. Hughes confirmed it was important to keep the work somewhere she could see it.
The contents remain unchanged, although a banana originally packed as a snack now qualifies as a biohazard.
Hughes has now revised her original target of six books a day to thirty books in a panic on Sunday evening.
The books will return to school on Monday.
Peer assessment will form an important part of the morning’s maths lesson.
FAMOUS FICTIONAL SAFEGUARDING ERROR OF THE WEEK
Case 010: Nightmare Cafeteria
School: Springfield Elementary, The Simpsons Halloween special “Treehouse of Horror V” (1994).
Safeguarding concern: Staff are using pupils sent to detention as ingredients for school meals.
Incident details: Faced with an overcrowded detention room and a squeezed catering budget, Principal Skinner identifies a way to address both concerns.
Jimbo disappears first. After Üter is also sent to detention, the menu features “Üterbraten”.
Staff are enthusiastic about the improved catering provision. There has also been a noticeable reduction in class sizes.
Safeguarding verdict: Not met. The school has been reminded that pupils should be on the dinner register, not the menu.
STAFFROOM SURGERY: SECOND OPINIONS
Your responses to last week’s questionable advice.
Last week, I had a go at rearranging the school year. Here’s a refresher:
In school | Holiday afterwards |
|---|---|
5 weeks | 1 week: early autumn |
5 weeks | 1 week: late autumn |
5 weeks | 3 weeks: Christmas |
6 weeks | 1 week: winter |
6 weeks | 2 weeks: spring |
6 weeks | 1 week: early summer |
6 weeks | 4 weeks: summer |
You’ve been in touch. Some of you are ready to vote for me. Others would like me to leave August alone. Here are a few of your replies, lightly trimmed and kept anonymous.
“I would LOVE this term arrangement!! THREE WEEKS at Christmas?? An extra one in autumn?! I’d happily swap two from summer for that!! 🥳 Where do I vote for this please?”
Unfortunately, this is still at the “man with a newsletter” stage of legislation. But I’ll put you down as a yes.
“I would definitely trade my holidays as long as we didn’t work in August! I would prefer two weeks at Christmas and five in summer.”
Fair. That’s worth looking at. You’re happy to redistribute the holidays, provided nobody redistributes you into a classroom in August.
“All schools need to do is take the ‘extra week’ of half term in October that they’ve managed to pull out their arse via some horrific Lovecraftian conjuring trick, and slap it on the Christmas holidays instead.
“With summers becoming hotter earlier, and the utter inadequacy of climate control in schools, shortening the summer holiday is an exercise in futility. We’ll be closed for two extra weeks due to heatwaves anyway. Perhaps this is your secret plan all along.”
Ooh, a secret plan! You’re giving me far too much credit. I was mainly pleased I’d got it to add up to 52.
COMING NEXT WEEK: A Minor Amendment
I’m inviting guests on an entirely fictional tour of the Department for Education.
Here’s the description I’ll give them:
You’ve been invited on a tour of the Department for Education. You lucky thing.
While your guide is distracted, you spot a policy document on a desk. There’s a pen beside it. Nobody’s watching.
You have just enough time to slip in one small policy change.
Anything big will get noticed. Increased teacher pay? Flagged immediately. Two extra weeks of holiday? Someone’s coming to collect your visitor badge.
But a teeny tiny adjustment that makes life in school a little easier? Well now. That might just slip through.
So, what are you changing?
I’ll then decide whether their amendment slips through unnoticed or gets them escorted back to reception.
Our first guest tries their luck next Thursday.
THIS WEEK IN EDUCATION
Education news that actually did happen.
Teacher retention programme delayed by a year
THE government has delayed its new teacher retention programme by a year. Originally due this autumn, it is now expected to launch in autumn 2027.
Please remain on hold. Your resignation is important to us.
The programme is intended to help schools manage workloads and expand flexible working through coaching, resources and sharing good practice.
For now, the most visible example of flexibility appears to be the deadline.
The DfE says it needs “more time to engage with stakeholders” to ensure the programme meets the sector’s needs.
Perhaps it could catch them at their leaving do.
Better flexible working could help people stay. Being able to collect your own child from school occasionally is a fairly reasonable ambition. Schools need practical support to make that possible.
But another year is quite a wait for someone already searching for jobs using the filter “literally anything else”.
Teachers could try the same approach with their own deadlines. Explain that this term’s reports will arrive next autumn, once you’ve had sufficient time to engage with stakeholders.
I’m sure the office will happily pop that in the parent newsletter.
Still, the government wants experienced teachers to stay and thrive.
The thriving is pencilled in for 2027.
If everyone could concentrate on the staying until then.
ACTUALLY USEFUL STUFF
One thing that might make your life slightly easier.
The Kid Should See This
This is a genuinely great one. The Kid Should See This is a free collection of carefully chosen videos about science, nature, art, engineering and how things work.
For example, start with the film showing how pencils are made at the Derwent factory. Ask children what materials they think are involved and how the “lead” gets inside, then watch and revisit their ideas. Handy for a materials lesson, a discussion starter or when you just need five minutes and something more educational than Bluey.
It’s free to browse and watch. Extras such as bookmarking need a paid membership. Preview your chosen clip for your class as usual.
It explains where pencils come from. Where all of yours have gone remains a separate investigation.
READER QUESTION
Voluntary participation time:
Ten issues in, I’m inviting feedback voluntarily. Please appreciate how brave this is.
Which regular section do you most look forward to?
Pick/click/tap your favourite. Anything you’d like more of? Leave a comment with your vote, or just reply to this email.
A QUICK REMINDER FROM SLT
Please read and action.
SUBJECT: Behaviour support
Morning everyone,
Please remember that SLT are here to support you with challenging behaviour.
Children sent to the office will be offered a biscuit and ten minutes on an iPad to help them regulate.
We understand that several other pupils have now asked to visit.
Please remind them that they must receive three warnings first.
Please react with a 👍 once read.
SLT
And there we have it, ten issues in!
If you enjoyed it, please forward it to another teacher who could use a laugh.
See you next Thursday! Don’t worry about those maths books.
Mr Firth