Issue 1: Oh, my God! Okay, it's happening! Everybody stay calm!

Welcome, everyone, to the first ever issue of Help Me, I’m A Teacher! I put the sign-up link out at the beginning of the summer holidays and now… er… somehow, we’re here. Bloody hell.

Unless, of course, you’re in Scotland. And you’re already back! Those ‘we’re finished for summer and England are still at work, ha-ha!’ posts aren’t looking quite so clever now, are they? (I’m looking at you, @organisededucator.)

But thanks for joining me. Hopefully, this will be somewhere we can poke fun at this ridiculous, challenging, but ultimately fulfilling and often very funny job. I love a rant as much as the next person, but I’ve always found laughter to be the best tonic. When you laugh at something, you take away a bit of its power, and that’s how we’ll handle things here.

This first issue is a taster of what you can expect over the coming weeks: some regular features, others rotating in and out, and plenty of chances for you to get involved if you fancy it.

So, before we all take our first step onto that 10-month-long, 100mph treadmill, let’s join hands. Say a little prayer. And hope for the best.

We’re in this together. Gulp.

Satirical education news that has probably actually happened.

A PRIMARY school teacher who entered her classroom to complete “a few quick jobs” has emerged seven days later to discover the new academic year has started.

Year 4 teacher Laura Wilkins arrived at 9.12am last Tuesday, intending to label the trays, put up one display and be home for lunch.

She said: “I thought I’d get it all done while it was quiet. But once I’d labelled the trays, I realised the tables would work better in groups of six. Then rows. Then a horseshoe. Then groups of six again.

“After that, I noticed a small crease in the backing paper on the maths display. The next thing I knew, the caretaker was opening the gates and 30 children in brand-new shoes were walking towards me. Apparently, I’ve missed the bank holiday and my sister has had a baby.”

CCTV shows Wilkins leaving only to spend £84.37 at The Range on scalloped borders, wicker baskets and a fake plant, which she later returned because it “felt more Year 2 than Year 4”.

Caretaker Steve Palmer said: “I told her I was locking up. She held up two fingers and said, ‘Two minutes.’ That was on Wednesday.”

Her husband Dan said: “She texted at eleven to say she was nearly finished. She sent the same message at half five, so I knew she’d entered the traditional late-August classroom time vortex.”

Wilkins is now attending INSET, where scientists predict the effect will reverse and a 45-minute safeguarding update will last approximately three weeks.

Your school problems, answered with advice of questionable usefulness.

Dear ‘anonymous, obvs’,

Look, you cannot stop any of this. What you can do is stop viewing INSET as a professional development day and start viewing it as a live game of pattern recognition.

I have therefore prepared the official Help Me, I’m A Teacher! INSET Day Bingo Card. Keep it discreetly beside your notebook and cross off each square as the day unfolds. If anyone asks what you’re doing, tell them you’re taking notes or something. And if that seems out of character for you, just say ‘new year, new me.’

Complete a line and you win absolutely nothing and receive no thanks from anyone, which should prepare you nicely for the rest of the academic year.

Eyes down. Good luck.

Education news that actually did happen.

THE GOVERNMENT will spend £2 million investigating whether giving primary-aged children unrestricted access to every human thought ever recorded might have had any unforeseen consequences.

The randomised trial will examine pupils who are not given smartphones at any time, including during holidays, measuring wellbeing, behaviour, relationships and the time teachers spend enforcing phone policies.

Ofcom says 19 per cent of children aged three to five own a mobile phone, rising to 82 per cent of those aged 10 to 12, meaning “everyone else has one” is, annoyingly, approaching statistical validity.

Researchers will also track whether delaying smartphones leads to more reading, sport, hobbies, homework and sleep (an assortment of largely analogue activities once grouped together under the term ‘childhood’).

The DfE says much existing research shows association rather than causation. The trial will also consider possible drawbacks to delaying smartphones, including children losing supportive networks or ways to explore their interests.

The DfE wants the research to begin ‘as soon as possible’. A brisk 19 years after the first iPhone went on sale and the uncontrolled trial on humanity began. Until then, parents must rely on the less rigorous evidence provided by watching almost any adult use a phone.

Read the full story in Schools Week

One thing that might make your life slightly easier.

A nice, easy one to kick off the first issue. You may have heard of it already, but Handwriting Repeater is a free browser tool that replays whatever you write on the board in a continuous loop.

I used it with my Year 2s all last year. Model the letter or word, then keep it running in the background whilst they write. There are plenty of settings to faff around with, which obviously I did, but it works straight out of the box. Simple.

Try Handwriting Repeater

Voluntary participation time:

Looking back, what’s the most unrealistic promise you’ve ever made yourself at the start of a new school year?

To answer, just reply to this email!

You can also send in confessions you’d like kept anonymous, Staffroom Surgery requests or any other feedback. Your answer might even feature in next week’s newsletter (anonymously, if you prefer!)

Please read and action.

Right, that’s Issue 1 done! Genuinely, thank you for signing up and reading.

If you enjoyed it, please forward it to another teacher who could use a laugh.

See you next Thursday, and good luck next week!

Mr Firth